I don’t remember if I mentioned this to you guys, but I’m going back to this town.. let’s just call it Austin. I’m going back at the weekend where I will be seeing Lucy again, and we will be drinking together, again. She has been nominated to the ice bucket challenge so I really want to try and make her do it but I feel like I’d do something Jessica doesn’t like.
I feel like going back to Austin itself is a bad idea. I hate this. I don’t trust myself and I feel awful. I just don’t want to hurt Jessica
Once I got home I added Lucy and Rachel on facebook, which turns out to have been a bad idea.
Since adding Lucy, I have seen her posts, her likes and dislikes, and of course, she likes the same bands, films, TV shows, books as I do. Making this so much worse.
She just seems to fit so well with me on paper, but it can never happen. I just need someone to talk to about this. I need someone on the outside looking in to help me. Someone who doesn’t know anyone involved.
So today I have been speaking to Jessica, I haven’t mentioned anything yet nor do I plan to for a while. I don’t know what to say.
While I was speaking to her I didn’t feel like we connected well. I don’t know if she was just tired or had a bad day, but something just felt wrong.
I wish I knew what it was.
I have been going out with Jessica since January 2013. It was been amazing and I do love being with her. But I feel like something is wrong, I don’t feel like I like her quite as much as I should, or maybe I just enjoy other girls company more. I’m not sure.
I was up visiting 2 friends in another town recently, while I was there I met the most adorable couple. They two of them just seem to get each other, they both love doing all the same things. Don’t get me wrong, Jessica and I enjoy doing things, but 90% of the time we just lie in bed and watch TV. She doesn’t like going out to drink, she doesn’t get drunk. We can’t really go out together because she seems to prioritise saving money for a new tattoo than going out with me and spending a little money.
While I was up in this town I met a girl, Lucy, she was so beautiful, it is honestly like she was a second Jessica who enjoys meeting new people and drinking. She and I didn’t exactly talk about much but we had so much fun just sitting there playing charades.
The morning after the game I woke up fairly early and went into Rachel’s room where Lucy was still sleeping, Rachel and I sat on the bed, Rachel under the covers with myself on top of them since Lucy only had pants on. Once Lucy woke up we just sat and chatted, she didn’t seem to care that she was topless, she was just comfortable sitting there chatting. She did eventually put on a top but I just turned my back and she was again, happy with that. So once she had on a top the three of us ended up under the overs chatting, playing games on our phones. We just had fun, lying there.
I’ll admit it, in writing, to myself. I have a crush on her. There is no way she would ever go out with me, or even think of me in that way because she has been going out with Rachel for 2 years. They are so comfortable together and they are just so perfect together. I asked her if she was a lesbian and she said “I don’t know Rachel is the only person i’ve ever loved so i’ve not decided”.
I am thinking about going back to uni after a year of work and that’s great. I am thinking of going to the uni there, for 2 reasons:
1 - She is there (Bad reason)
2 - Away from parents and home (Good reason)
The thing is I am wanting to move away from my family and friends to be closer to her. That is such a bad idea. Jessica would be so far away and I’m not sure if we can deal with that. I’m not sure if we would survive that.
I just need someone to talk to about this because I don’t know what to do.
Okay, so this is my first post on this blog however I am going to be continuing roughly where I left off on a private blog. So without further a do, here we go